Recently I was going through all the remaining “old” files I have on my laptop and I found a spoken poem that I wrote when I was in a very bad place, potentially my worst, in terms of depression. I would like to think that over the last five years my writing has improved and so I have edited the piece a little, I have also written a second stanza that holds the same style but looks back on that time period with a more positive outlook. Bearing in mind this is meant to be heard not read I imagine reading it aloud to oneself would be the best way to “hear” it, and the capital letters are meant to be read singularly and as if the words are being spelt out.
This is happy.
H A P P Y
H A P P why aren’t I
H A P P why do I want to hurt myself?
Always trying to be H A P P why am I crying?
H A P P why are there knots in my stomach stopping my from feeling
H A P P why are my hands shaking
Telling my friends all I want is for them to be H A P P why can’t I follow my own advice?
I’ve been trying so hard to be happy I’m scared I’ll never reach it and when people mention it all I can think is H A P P why am I even here.
Psychiatrists’ rooms don’t make me feel H A P P why do they pretend to care
Peers and teachers always checking I’m H A P P why don’t you leave me alone
All I’ve ever known is not being H A P P why would that stop now
H A P P Y
H A P P why did I doubt it?
Depression made me think I’d never be H A P P why wouldn’t I beat it?
All the support I got has helped me to feel H A P P why did I think I was alone?
So many people want to help others feel H A P P why shouldn’t I get to be happy
Now I know what it’s like to be H A P P why wouldn’t I accept my medication?
H A P P Y
H A P P why would I suffer in silence?
I don’t. There are days when I don’t feel happy and I say to my friends H A P P why is it so hard?
They say: I’m ill, not broken, and I deserve to be H A P P
why wouldn’t I?