The last thing I want to be doing right now is writing, I’ve just gotten back from my ‘birthday’ at my family house and as per usual I can’t be there for more than a few hours without it resulting in someone crying. This time me. Am I some kind of bad luck? Do I ruin everything without even having to try? I don’t understand what I’ve done to deserve my eleven year old sister being so horrible to me all the time, I feel as though she has to directly be mean to me, or at least ruin something that makes me happy, every time I go there. Whether it be insulting me, causing a fight whilst I’m there and skyrocketing my anxiety, or by purposefully putting someone in a foul mood she seems to be incapable of letting me enjoy seeing my family. Why can’t one day be about something other than her? I try so hard to be a loving sister, and yes it has always been harder with Zara because she has said some things to me that I may never get over, but I thought things had improved since I moved out. I didn’t even care about my presents, or what card game we played, I just wanted a nice few hours with my family. I was so happy and felt so cared for, they even baked me a vegan cake which made me feel like I was finally being accepted, and it still ended in me somehow having a shit evening. I can’t even be bothered to draft this in my pages, I’m writing straight onto wordpress, I just refuse to let her stop me from managing this once a week.
I know logically that I’ve had a good week but right now I feel like I’m unsure on everything. I know it sounds insane but right now I feel like all my friends secretly hate me and that everything is going to spiral out of control again. I was so looking forward to moving in with my family and travelling to uni but it just seems too impossible.
A tenuous five things that made me happy this week:
- Waterloo won the league, maybe we can become a premiership team
- I finally met Rachel in person and she was lovely
- Trampolining was fun
- i dont know
- i dont know
I guess this is the first Sunday of sadness in 2017. Fuck.