This post is one of a few about a friend of mine who has changed my perspective on a few very significant things.
Books often have the ability to make me feel like I’m entitled to this story-esque romance and as someone who’s three year long relationship crumbled in front of their eyes I became rather cynical, and vowed that I would never confuse infatuation and love. This led to many, what I have termed, ‘near-relationships’ which is absolutely not to be confused with a fear of commitment, but that’s a whole other piece.
Recently I met someone, and this isn’t an appreciation post where I say I’ve fallen head over heels in love, but more a self realisation where maybe I’ve reached the point of accepting love as it can be. Fiction has us thinking that love has to be these grand gestures: flowers, an expensive meal, or spontaneous trips, this is furthered by peers ranking relationships based on streams of tweets, instagrams and Facebook posts. I remember getting annoyed when my boyfriend didn’t like my profile picture, or worried when I saw him with other people that I didn’t really know. My friends told me that jealousy was cute and a sign of love, but the relationship was toxic and we both got manipulated in different ways.
This new love, though, feels healthier. Despite it being for a friend, and someone that I should never have gone for, it is comfortable and natural. I have come to appreciate the love someone can have for what I view as my flaws: the inside of my thighs, my weird manly hands, and my tummy that never.goes.away. More importantly they find my quirks interesting and funny, they are fine face-timing me at ridiculous hours whilst I have their underwear on my head, they support me when my brain is malfunctioning, and I don’t feel like there’s a secret game going on with unwritten rules that we must both try to obey whilst also discovering them.
I don’t need to worry about what they think of me, I know that they enjoy spending time with me, and I don’t require constant affirmation that I’m not a bother and/or waste of their time. Whilst this isn’t a relationship, and probably won’t ever be, it’s the most raw an authentic feeling I’ve had in a long time. I almost don’t want it, because it’s kind of ‘right person wrong time’-y, but I also wouldn’t change anything, and that’s a strange feeling. I don’t know if this is ‘love’ love, I wouldn’t place a bet on it, I wouldn’t plan a future or create a holiday card, but I feel content and it’s surprisingly un-complicated. This isn’t what I thought any form of love would feel like, and perhaps it isn’t, but it’s okay.
Until next time